Oh my sweet baby Jesus.
The happiness I feel right now is amazing
YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW LONG IVE BEEN LOOKING AND WAITING FOR THIS GODDAMN POST TO COME BACK AND THIS TIME IM FUCKING REFERENCING IT
pairing you really love
pairing you couldn’t give a shit about even if you tried
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
I always need this on my blog.
I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.
Forever reblogging this
You could just go to pancheros where they mix the contents of said burrito before wrapping it.
found this gem in the 1996 Cornell Women’s Handbook. it’s what to say when a guy tries to get out of using a condom
For the anon who wanted pictures of me in the bright-red lipstick I have recently become acquainted with!
okay u can make fun of Shrek all you want but if u don’t think they were the most beautiful fucking movies ever then ur wrong
1. First impression: oh hey another stream person i bet i can at least have a conversation about supernatural and have you follow along
2. Truth is: friend…. frEIND FRIENd FRIEND„„„„ amazing writer and super kind and pretty and yesss
3. How old do you look: Late teens-early twenties?
4. Have you ever made me laugh: YES
5. Have you ever made me mad: only in a “how dare u make me sad with this beautiful piece of literature” way
6. Best feature: You’re totally willing to do friend stuff any time. Like, you said “friend????????” and I said “friend!!!!!!” and we’ve been writing sad headcanons and talking Madoka Magica ever since.
7. Have I ever had a crush on you: nah
8. You’re my: Internet friend!
9. Name in my phone: None, but would probably be “puma” because I see you so much online that I associate that with you more than your actual name
10. Should you post this too? If you want!
"Page 46 of the iOS 7 terms and conditions"
This is so beautiful.
“Abandoned by straight people.” Something homophobic people tend to over look
Love this campaign. Also, is that Shane Dawson?
as an added argument, aren’t homosexual couples actually a scientific advantage at this point? We, as a species, are becoming quite overpopulated. However, homosexual couples 1) do not add to the population, and 2) take care of children that would not be taken care of otherwise. This slows the rise in population, meaning that our species may even survive longer because of it.
HOMOSEXUALITY, FROM A SCIENTIFIC POINT OF VIEW, IS AN ADVANTAGE TO THE HUMAN RACE.
REBLOG IS CAUSE THEY BLOGED IT
I have been stating that argument for some time now. Glad someone else gets it.
Mt. hood // my hood // PNW